Success, Relationships, Purpose and Dreams
Every once in a while I will stumble across another “take” on my ongoing one-sided conversation about the difference between success and thriving. As I have talked about (to just about anyone who would listen) and written about in numerous ways, success is achieving a goal, reaching some sort of end point; whereas thriving is to be in a constant state of forward moving evolution. This morning I finally finished a book that I have been reading for almost 6 years. It’s not that it is long, or difficult or un-engaging. Ironically, it is anything but. However, it is one of those books that I knew that I needed to digest slowly. Each paragraph raised up more inspiration, thoughts and tears than I could handle, and I knew that I wouldn’t be doing it justice if I read it too fast. And so, today, after reading it in many cities, many chairs and many states of mind, I have finished it. It is a book by Bill Strickland, about his story and the story of the places of learning that he dreamt up and persevered until they were real. It is entitled Make the Impossible Possible.
So back to success and thriving and all that. The quote today that made me jump and cry is this,
“A fantasy is about having something – a big salary, an impressive house, an important-sounding title, social or professional prestige. But the satisfaction you experience when such a fantasy is realized is fleeting and unfulfilling; rather than feeding the spirit in a nourishing way, it always leaves you craving more.
A dream is about building something- relationships, identity, quality of experience. Because dreams rise out of genuine human needs, they feed the spirit in a profoundly satisfying way. A genuine dream brings direction, conviction, substance, and satisfaction to your life the moment you commit yourself to it.
But the most important difference between fantasies and dreams is that fantasies are egotistical and self-centered; they isolate you and force you to live your life as a series of win-lose situations. They define “success” as a matter of survival of the fittest. Dreams, on the other hand, connect you to the world and to other human beings. They make it clear that individual success is enlarged and enhanced by the spiritual fulfillment and success of the people with whom you share the planet.”
Yesterday I was walking (inspiration seems to come when my feet are moving) and thinking about relationships. I was recalling a conversation I recently engaged in, in which I was as usual, ranting about the importance of relationships. Tie that together with some other good news that I had received earlier in the day about a project I am working on and the willingness of an important high-profile group to partner with us and help spread the word. Trust me – there is a connection and a point here.
So, I was thinking about the fact that all of the teaching today in the non-profit sector (and for-profit too) is about the importance of relationships for survival. Maybe not in the way you think. We are taught that you need to cultivate relationships with rich people so that they can help you. Bluntly put. Well…. although this does play out, the reason this has always irked me is because the motivation behind the relationship is skewed. Over time we have seen that relationships are the foundation of an organization’s “success,” and so going backwards we teach our up-and-coming leaders to seek relationships FOR the purpose of that success. Anyone notice anything scary here?
Intention is everything. We are teaching people to seek fantasies not dreams, to do something to GET something. We are not teaching them to do something to DO something. Everything in life is based on relationships – everything, but not for the reason most people think. “Success” is not what we have been sold. Real relationships stem from our realization of our connected responsibilities to each other and the planet. And I would venture to say that real “success” (or as I prefer, a real state of “thriving”) stems from the same exact thing.
In Mr. Strickland’s book he defines what he believes success to be,
“The point where your passions, values, talents, and dreams fall into alignment with the genuine desire to make the world a better place to live for all of its inhabitants.”
He goes on to say that “The interesting thing about this definition is that it not only describes the conditions of success, it tells you exactly what you need to do to achieve it. Against the backdrop of the materialistic, winner-take-all mentality that pervades so many of our lives, it may seem counterintuitive, even naïve, to believe that our own personal success can be enhanced by focusing on something other than competitive self-interest. But I know this to be true. Owning up to your responsibilities as a citizen of the planet, even in modest ways, generates a sense of purpose and power in your life that is the real engine behind genuine success. It taps your deepest potential and connects you to the bottomless reserves of commitment, perseverance, creativity and hope that can make even the most extraordinary dreams come true.”
Somewhere along the line it got confused; we got confused. But I do believe, as I always have, that change is possible. And change can happen in small increments, one person, one decision at a time. Ask yourself the next time you go to initiate a relationship, business or personal, “What is my motivation in taking this action?” And then ask yourself, “What do I want, a fantasy or a dream?”