Motherhood.
Giving birth, becoming a mom and being a mom are difficult. And anyone who says they are not, is delusional. But, that’s understandable, all things considered. I am just 5 months in and I can honestly say it’s been messy. Maybe it hasn’t appeared that way from the outside (or maybe it has), either way, I am not sure I care. That’s what motherhood does, in a nutshell. It strips you of anything extraneous. There just isn’t any time for anything less than what really matters.
It forces you to show up, big, every day. No. Matter. What. No matter if you haven’t slept in days (or weeks), are covered in all sorts of bodily fluids and unidentifiable liquids, and may or may not remember your name. No matter – there is a little (huge) star being that requires you to become your true self, like it or not. You have to look yourself squarely in the eye and say who am I? What am I? And those are not easy questions (especially when you actually can’t remember your name…)
As a person who has been pretty independent most of my life, and thought I knew myself, stepping into motherhood has been challenging. Society makes women feel like they can’t admit that it’s not easy, that if you don’t have perfect baby pictures, if breastfeeding isn’t magical, if you haven’t changed your clothes in 3 days or if you scream and cry at the same time, you’re failing. Truth be told, women are powerful and motherhood is a big, sloppy, terrifying, amazing and beautiful journey. One from which your old self will never return, and that is a splendid thing.
I have always self-identified as a dancer. It is what I do, it is who I am, it is my life’s passion and dedication. And at times in this process of becoming a mother it has felt like the two were at odds with one another. Again, society imparts its opinion and leaves you feeling like you must choose. You must leave your previous self behind and devote yourself to this new role. If you are to be a “good” mother, then you must focus completely on that and any divergence is something that leaves you riddled with guilt.
However, I have found, that what happens in this process is a reordering of oneself. You do not leave behind who you are, instead, you bring all that you are fully into motherhood and let it be consumed. You get bigger. It is like the caterpillar that turns into a butterfly. You do go into it one thing and come out another, but not in the way you think. There seems to be very little spoken about this mental and physical transformation, and maybe because, like the butterfly, it has always been considered mysterious, magical and very personal. You do emerge different, but it is not, not you. It is a more beautiful version of you that breaks through the cocoon… and it does feel like how National Geographic describes the in-between state… “an organised broth full of chunky bits” until you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realize that now, you have wings.
As I have watched myself go through this transformation, I know there’s more yet to come, but I can’t help but wonder what am I teaching my daughter in this process? What good habits, what bad habits is she going to mimic? How do I want her to see me? Thinking about all this can be overwhelming, until I started thinking about what I learned from my mom. And I felt hopeful that I won’t totally screw things up.
My mom is a warrioress. You may not see it upon first glance, but just stick around for a little. It comes out in small ways – innocent side comments, little tokens of love and an endless variety of ways to jerry rig anything. And so what has she taught me? Only the most important things.
A lady always needs lipliner, duct tape and paper towels. (And a hammer is good too.)
You only need a little bit of faith (the size of a mustard seed, in fact) to move very large mountains.
Ingenuity is the way of woman.
Call things like they are, otherwise, what is the point?
If you want to let someone know you love them, do the seemingly small, unnoticed things over and over, and one day they will notice.
Food is love.
Magic and luck can be found anywhere, and is available to anyone, you just have to keep your eyes open.
Persistence, persistence, persistence.
You can’t change anyone.
Love is infinite.
And so I think, if I can pass on half of these, things will be ok.
Thanks, Mom, for showing me that motherhood is about showing up, getting bigger and trusting the change. Happy Mother’s Day.